The feeling is still there... always residing in the back of my mind.
The fear- This is where I say "Don't go, Don't go, Don't go. I don't know if I can make it without you. You are my shelter. My stability. My outlet. Please never leave me."
The anxiety- " Think of how much is going to change. Just picture it! You don't know what this is going to do to me."
The selfishness- "How could you tell me not to worry about it? Do you understand what's even going to happen? You have no idea what this is like for me, how could you dare even come to me as the days count down to complain to me about it?"
The love- "The only reason I don't want to you to go is because I can't picture my life without you there every step of the way."
The pain- "I'll miss you so much it hurts."
The jealousy- "I wish I could come with you."
and then the excitement- "Holy shit, you're going to have so much fun! You'll meet all kinds of wonderful new people. And all your time will be taken up with so many new things for you to do. New classes, new lifestyle, new place to live, new people. It's exhilarating to think about-- even for me! Imagine how great its going to be for you!"
...and that's where I end. That's what I focus on. That's what I think about. The excitement.
Sure, the rest is still there... and no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it. But you know what? I don't want to. It should be there.
There will always be nights when all I want to do is cry. I want you to hold me in your arms and rock me while I cry. But you won't be there, which will make me cry harder. And I will sit in my dark, red room and I will writhe on my bed because I can't get comfortable and I can't calm down. But I always calm down... all in good time.
It's all still there-- always there. But you won't hear me talk about it much. I've had enough of that. I'm done with everyone knowing how much it kills me. I won't bring it up in casual conversation anymore. and if someone else talks about it, you'll see me smile.
Because I am so proud of them.
So proud to call you my own... forever.
infinity.
The fear- This is where I say "Don't go, Don't go, Don't go. I don't know if I can make it without you. You are my shelter. My stability. My outlet. Please never leave me."
The anxiety- " Think of how much is going to change. Just picture it! You don't know what this is going to do to me."
The selfishness- "How could you tell me not to worry about it? Do you understand what's even going to happen? You have no idea what this is like for me, how could you dare even come to me as the days count down to complain to me about it?"
The love- "The only reason I don't want to you to go is because I can't picture my life without you there every step of the way."
The pain- "I'll miss you so much it hurts."
The jealousy- "I wish I could come with you."
and then the excitement- "Holy shit, you're going to have so much fun! You'll meet all kinds of wonderful new people. And all your time will be taken up with so many new things for you to do. New classes, new lifestyle, new place to live, new people. It's exhilarating to think about-- even for me! Imagine how great its going to be for you!"
...and that's where I end. That's what I focus on. That's what I think about. The excitement.
Sure, the rest is still there... and no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it. But you know what? I don't want to. It should be there.
There will always be nights when all I want to do is cry. I want you to hold me in your arms and rock me while I cry. But you won't be there, which will make me cry harder. And I will sit in my dark, red room and I will writhe on my bed because I can't get comfortable and I can't calm down. But I always calm down... all in good time.
It's all still there-- always there. But you won't hear me talk about it much. I've had enough of that. I'm done with everyone knowing how much it kills me. I won't bring it up in casual conversation anymore. and if someone else talks about it, you'll see me smile.
Because I am so proud of them.
So proud to call you my own... forever.
infinity.
1 Comments:
tears.
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