I write when I procrastinate. I write when I'm too tired to do anything else. I write when I'm lonely. I write when I'm ready to give up and quit. I write when I miss you. I write when I hate you. I never hate you. I write for me. I write when there is no one around to listen. There is no one around to listen. I write when I feel. Right now I feel.
I always feel.
I think I feel most right before I go to sleep. That's when I want to run, and that's when I want to write. I haven't run in days. I haven't written in days either.
I should be writing a paper, but it's not the same.
I would love to be watching and episode of Grey's Anatomy right now, but then this hour of free time would be wasted. If I write, at least I have something to show for it... right?
Sometimes logic is twisted.
My logic is twisted when I say that I will end it in April. That's not right.
But it is right because that is what's going to happen. I wish I could end it now to save the heartache later.
But sometimes logic is twisted.

I joked today about leaving here to ease your trouble and your pain. I wish I could do that. If money didn't exist, I would be there in a heart beat. When I joked about it, one of my friends said "You would love that."
She's right... I would probably be happy then.
I've learned to appreciate things so much by being here. Everything happens for a reason.
I hope this is right. I'm hoping, so I'm writing.
You can't lose hope. If hope is gone, what are you left with?

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. I'm also going to get my hair cut... brighter.
Lately, I have no one to think about. It's strange because when I have no one to think about, I think about 6 different people. I wish that none of you were on my mind because:
1) It's not fair to you... I was on your mind for far too long. It's just comforting. I want you in my life for a long time.
2) You're leaving. A little piece of my heart went with you in May. I only say that because I cried when you left and I don't cry.
3) You're no good for me. It ends in April.
4) I loved you for too long. I'm afraid that I still do and always will. It's not healthy to have you on my mind... ever. It's been 6 years.
5) I have fun with you. I don't want to be anything but friends right now though and I'm afraid that if I think about you too much, I'll give in to you.
6) I could see myself marrying you. I know that's ridiculous. Some people think that you would be scary to marry, just because you yell when you're mad. I am so attracted to you.

But really, no one is on my mind. I haven't been this "alone" since... wow... exactly this time last year. And then in January, one ended for good and the other began. Time repeats itself? I hope not. I want something constant. I miss having a "you." A real you. I miss loving someone. and being loved. It's time to end everything petty. Just wait for something real. The next one is the one. I decided that when my heart was "broken" by a boy who lied. It's okay, it didn't hurt as bad as it had before... I never really loved him anyway. But I made the decision then because no one likes to feel so betrayed.

I've been writing for twenty minutes, which is twenty minutes that I haven't been writing my paper, and twenty minutes that will come back to bite me in the ass when I want to go to bed tonight... twenty minutes later.

I don't want to work on a boat. The ocean terrifies me. It's beautiful, but terrifying.
Appreciate beauty. Some claim that imperfection is beauty. It's written on her foot.
My foot reassures me that I can do it. Just believe. Believe in yourself and if that doesn't work, believe that someone is watching over you. Just believe in something. You have to have something.
"Keep faith... whatever that may mean to you." Because without faith, what is left?

I'm buying Christmas presents because that makes me happy. I love Christmas and I love giving. Loo says that that is how I show people that I love them... that and touch. I think that's what she said. Either way, both are true.
I can't wait until my life works out. I know that it is going to, I just don't know when.
I'm hoping. and feeling. and believing that it's going to happen soon. But not too soon. We don't want to rush anything.

Smile.