Sometimes I scare myself.

I get mad so easily and I hate it.

Before it wasn't such a big deal because I was rarely mad outside of my house.
But today I got really aggravated at school for no reason.

I was so angry that I didn't know what to do with myself.

When I get that upset, all I want to do is be alone and curl up into a tiny ball to cry.

I often cry when I'm mad.

Sometimes I yell.
But then I feel bad afterwards.
Sometimes I forget to appologize and that's not good at all.

I don't like to yell. And I don't like to be yelled at.

A lot of times when I'm mad, I turn up my music really loud.
But that makes other people angry.
I'm not really sure why, but I know that it does.
I have no intention of upsetting other people at all.
But I usually think that if I didn't find a way of "leaving" (I escape within the music...) then I would say or do something that I would truly regret.


It's like I'm a completely different person when I'm mad.
I feel like I can't even control myself.
I feel like a huge ball of awful, unhappy pressure that just needs to burst.

But I can't burst.
That's unhealthy. ;)

So for now, I'm not really sure what to do.

Some of you may say that I just need to get my emotions under control.
And to that I would say that you must not understand because its not that easy.
Believe me, I've tried.

Do you know what it's like to have your own mother tell you that she is afraid of you when you're mad?

I feel so helpless.

It's like a battle.
A long, hard, tiring battle against myself.


I'm worried about other people seeing the other side of me.
That's another thought that scares me a lot.


Sometimes I just want to run away. (...usually when I'm mad...)
I want to leave and never return.
I want to escape from the people and the pain and all the anger.


I'm also afraid of what I may end up doing to stop the pain.


I really scare myself sometimes.




*But I could swear to you that it's really not me.*