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I'm the best manifester there is.

So much to think about. So much to feel.

Sometimes I get this ache in my chest when I think about everything that I have to do. That ache turns into a severe pain when I think about the future.

As planned out and organized as my future may seem, I don't buy it. Sure, all of the logistics are there, but what about the feelings?
What about what I want? What about planning my own future? What about doing what I want to do? Not what I am "supposed to do?"

I've never really be one to do what I am supposed to. In fact, right now I am supposed to be writing a history paper, and instead I am writing my thoughts out for everyone and anyone to read.
Mimi and Dad are sitting on the couch next to me. I would love more than anything else to just sit with them and watch college football, but I know that I wouldn't be able to completely enjoy it due to the history paper lingering over my head. So instead, I am choosing to shut myself out and listen to my ipod while I consider writing my paper.



I want to be with my family. All the time.
And I miss my friends. All the time.
Sure, I've made great friends at the Academy, but not like home.

I miss being understood simply because someone has known me long enough to understand whats going through my head no matter the situation.



I was talking to grandpa last night and I was telling him about myself, Lauren, and Christina. It was quite a shock realizing how separate our lives are now. Myself being at the Coast Guard Academy (obviously no one can relate to that)... Lauren leaving for France in two weeks for an entire semester... and Christina still going to school in Boston, working two jobs, and creating incredible pieces of art when she has time.

It's amazing that we were all able to get together for the past two days. Amazing and completely neccessary.
It's funny because sometimes I don't realize quite how much I miss my sisters until I see them and we are all together again like we used to be.

Chris and I got coffee Thursday morning and went shopping and it was as if nothing had changed except the length of her hair and the size of my waist (although only slightly.)
Earlier tonight, Lauren and I went on a drive to get ice cream and it was as if nothing had changed except the car that we were driving.

-----------------------------------------

Life is so different now though. and I'm not too fond of the changes.

AND I feel like my possessions are also trying to tell me to forget the past. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Right after swab summer ended, I had my new laptop and I decided to download itunes. Without thinking about it, I plugged my ipod into my computer so that it would charge. Unfortunately, the new version of itunes that I downloaded automatically syncs your ipod. As soon as I plugged my ipod into the new computer, my 450 (give or take) songs that I had on my ipod were gone. Just like that. My ipod synced itself to the empty itunes that I had just downloaded. All the songs that I used to listen to at home, in my car, with my friends... they were gone.

It doesn't stop there, though. The next one happened just tonight. I was sitting on the couch trying, unsuccessfully, to write a history paper. What I was really doing was listening to music and watching college football with dad and mimi. My cellphone was sitting beside me on the couch, plugged into the wall so that it could charge. Not even charge... so that it could function because it is such a piece of crap that the battery dies after a three minute conversation. Or less. Regardless, my phone was plugged in next to me. I was not touching it or using it or anything. There was nothing abnormal going on with my phone, but then all of the sudden I looked at it and noticed that my background of the main screen was not what it usually is. Usually when this happens, I just have to take the memory card out and then put it back in and everything goes back to normal. Without panicking, I took the memory card out and put it back in. Nothing happened. 450 pictures (give or take) were gone. Just like that. No reason for it. Pictures from almost exactly a year from today. Pictures of my family, my friends, my home, my car, past boyfriends, past loves... everything. Gone.

So what the hell am I supposed to do with all this?



I'm not going to forget. I don't care what anyone says. I love my friends and I love my home.
And you know what? I don't love school yet, so I am going to focus on the past. I was happy back then. Really happy.



I'll get the songs back. And I'll remember the pictures.
And I will live with my sisters again.
...I don't care what anyone else says.

I've never really been one to listen, anyway.