I woke up this morning to you.
and it was wonderful.

You were whispering in my ear and your breath was on my neck.
Everything you said made sense. You make me feel safe, boy.
I was more comfortable in that short time then I have been in a long time.
Since the last time we fell asleep together, actually.

You were talking, and I was listening. Just laying there enjoying your presence.

And then I turned my head and you were gone.
Once again, I was alone.

*In my mind baby, you are as real as it gets.*

"Hello, operator? Yes, yes I think you can help me. Could you give me the number for Lacuna inc, please? Doesn't exist?? No no, that cant be right. You see, ma'am, I saw it in a movie. And it looked perfect. It's just what I need. What does it involve, you ask? Well... it's this great operation. You go into this building... it's like a small, secluded doctors office. Anyway, you go in and you talk to the lady at the front desk. She will ask you fill out a piece of paper on a clipboard; don't worry, she has a pen. You fill out all your information and give the paper back to her. Then you meet with the doctor and you tell him exactly what you want. You tell him who you are dealing with. You see, operator, that's the whole point. After this incredible operation you don't have to deal anymore. You don't think about them and you don't hurt. It's not like your everyday operation because nothing swells up, there is no medication after the procedure, and the pain is ended immediately. In fact, you probably won't even know what happened.
No miss operator, I'm not making anything up. Do you ever think about someone and feel your heart fall so hard from disappointment and pain that you think you may have broken it? Come on ma'am, we've all felt it.
Pain, it's just the pain. Well, you can end that completely. Please just listen to me, I know it's real. It has to be. To wake up one morning and never again have to think about the wonderful things that they used to say and all the things they did. I know that you know what i'm talking about. Those little things that keep you holding on. You know damn well that they will never happen again, but you just cant seem to forget. Yes! That's it... well, you can forget now.
It sounds lovely doesn't it? Wouldn't everything be wonderful then. You could smile again. And I don't mean the smile that you flash to everyone no matter how you really feel inside. I mean you could really smile. The kind that people see and can't help but say, 'Wow... look at her. She's so happy.'
Operator, I'm tired of the fake smiles and the lies. Eventually, people see through forced giggles, you know. But in reality, no one wants to see tears. They have their own lives and their own problems and predicaments; people can't be there all the time (no matter how much they say that they will.)
I'm tired of needing someone. I'm ready to let go, but I just can't. All I need is just a little boost. A little something to say, 'you can do it.' That's all I need. But with all the little pushes and shoves that I'm getting, nothing seems to work.
What does that mean?
I'm tired of thinking about all the wonderful times, and the way that everything played out just right. I remember all the little details, ma'am, I do. But I need that gone. I just want to forget. I need to forget.
So miss operator ma'am, do you think you could help me?
Yes, all I need is the number.
Alright, thank you for your time. "

There comes a time when letting go is no longer an option. It becomes a must.

Just take it all. everything. Leave me with nothing. Really, I promise it's for the best.
*I want it gone. Everything would be better if I could just forget.*

I felt like a cat perched by the window. Just sitting and waiting; watching and thinking.
Hold on... do cats think?
Well if they do, I wonder what they think about because there was so much running through my head in that short time.
Do you ever have one of those times that everything you could possibly think about comes flooding into your head all at once? Yea well it was one of those.
I got so confused. and kind of disappointed.
no no... really disappointed.


*Hmm... cats sure do have it rough.*

The first thing people know about me is you. And I have no problem with bringing you up multiple times in one conversation. I'll tell them anything. Because we have nothing to be ashamed of. We're about as real as it gets. We may be rare, but we're so real. You know, I could talk about you forever.
Maybe it's because I'm proud. Maybe it's because I'm honest. Maybe it's because I depend on you. or Maybe it's because I just plain love you. forever and ever and ever and ever.

I know I don't say it enough, but thank you. Thank you for you and thank you for helping to complete us.
I've never meant it more when I say that I don't know what I'd do without you.

*I love you. I love you. I love you.*

Sitting there and watching her walk out made me collapse inside myself just a little more. On nights like these after the last person leaves, and I'm left alone with the house and the silence, I cry.
and in all honesty, I don't really know why.

*I'm beginning to think that I have seperation anxiety.*

"You are Elmo. You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You don't like to hurt other people's feelings, but if you do it's not intentional. Life is a breeze. You are witty and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of backstabbers, and you are worry free."

hmm... interesting. Can't complain. :)

*Just call me Elmo.*

I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this.

...nope, not one bit.

I'm just not ready to let go completely. But that's okay. I am allowed to still care. Right?(and occasionally, maybe I can even want.) It's only fair.
See, I know that I'm doing better. I know it. You're not constantly on my mind, I don't watch you walk away every time I see you, I'm not tempted to call you every night, I don't just sit there and stare at your screen name anymore, knowing that I shouldn't IM you.
We'll take baby steps. Because like I've said before, I tend to throw myself whole-heartedly into mostly everything I do. But there is a downside to that because in reality, it is impossible to throw myself out of anything. It's like jumping in a deep hole... no matter how lazy or tired you are, you have to eventually climb out. You can't just magically be out of the hole in one single bound. (unless you're superman... and unfortunately, I am not quite the superman type.)

But for right now, it would really help to know that you are thinking something. I don't need to know exactly what you're thinking, and it would probably be better if I didn't. But to be assured that there is something on your mind, if even for a second, involving me... would be so nice.

I just want you to remember me.

Remember my smile because I know that you've seen it at its best.
Remember my laugh because you used to hear it so much. Do you miss it?
Remember the way I breathe because baby, I used to breathe for you.
Remember my lips because in reality, you know them better than anyone. And they will always remember you.
Remember my shirt. You know, the black one. I know that you liked it. and never forget the belts. ;)
Remember my eyes because like it or not, you have looked into them.
Remember how comfortable we used to be. I loved that.
Remember my hair. and the way you used to play with it. and the way it used to fall around me ever so lightly. Times like that made me feel beautiful.
Remember our talks because even though you didn't like my advice at the time, it all meant something.
Remember the way you used to smile at me. Sometimes, I would catch you looking and your smile would be so genuine that even I was a little surprised.
Remember all the promises you made me because I will never forget.
Remember what you told me. What you showed me. What you taught me.

We were wonderful.
But all good things end, and that's the way it goes. That's the way it's supposed to be.

I just want you to remember... for me.

*It's all about the memories, baby.*
Fight for them. If nothing else, fight for what you used to know.
And I think I miss you just a little bit.

I saw her take out the folded piece of paper and she began to speak.

I turned to my great friend and said "I think I'm already crying."
"I know..." she said as she lightly patted me on the back.

This is it, Beeb. That was it.
...and it couldn't have been any better.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

You really are amazing and they will miss you so much.
You have done more then you could ever imagine. Who would have thought that you would have come this far and been so successful.

*Everything happens for a reason, my pretty city girl.*

I love you.

I dont know. I dont know. I dont know.

I just don't know what to do.
I dont know what I can do. I don't know what's fair. I don't know what's not fair. I don't know what's right. What's wrong?

So I sit here optionless... smiling. Because I can't not smile. and that's no good either.
My stomach hurts when I think about it. I've never been in a situation like this.
No one knows, and no one can know. ouch.

I have three halfs. and they are so confused that sometimes they wonder if they are even still connected.
But in reality, they always will be.
It's just tough sometimes.

It shouldnt be this hard.

...but really, when are things easy? think back to the past... year, lets say. And then tell me when things have been easy.
Yea, that's what I thought.

But the whole "new situation" thing is throwing me off.
way off.


*I just don't know what to do.*

New or old.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Just something.
anyone? anything?
I'll even give you an extra month.
just for thought. (or something.)

I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait.


*...be my december.*
(maybe it was just something telling you that you'd regret saying it. great, what the hell does that mean now?!)

The last three points and you blew it.
Way to go. YOU are amazing.
*Sarcasm is the worst way to show disappointment.*

Do you want an effing cookie? CHOKE ON IT! and take it like that.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe deeper. Breathe faster. Stop the tears. Don't be a hypocrite! You hate them, remember??
Keep walking. Dont speak. Look no one in the eye.
FORCE A SMILE, DAMNIT.

you. are. happy.

Yelling louder won't help. Stomping makes you look like an idiot. Don't cause a freakin scene, please. Silence is worse than anything else.
Balance is key. Not neutral... balance.
Control is everything. Be ready for anything. You've got this one. right? WRONG!
suck suck suck suck suck.


*Don't let them fall.*