Here's a blogger bound to be written eventually.
And as I see it, now is just as good of a time as any.

Oh, but where to start? Where to start?

Well, we both know that you'll be leaving.

yah...

....leaving.

I'm not sure where you'll go, or even how long you'll stay... :)
But you'll go, and that's ok.
That the way its supposed to be.

(Ms. Dramatic... I know. But for now, take it for what its worth.)

Anyway. It's really hard right now for both of us. You having to think about it a lot, and me not being able to stop the thoughts.
I try, you may or may not know that. And I know that I don't think about it as much as you think I do. Well, dont get me wrong... it is on my mind a lot, but like you said once, i'm definitely not "always depressed about it."

In fact, I dont think I'm always depressed... period.
Actually, I'm never depressed. Angry occasionally, sad, upset, bothered, confused... maybe... but not depressed.

Back to the topic.
Funny how I got side-tracked... I think that means that I don't want to talk about it.
Which is true.

I don't.

But I've avoided it for long enough.

With you gone, the house will feel emptier.
I'll only say one goodnight instead of two.
One "I love you" instead of two. (Of course, I'll still love you just as much.)
I'll drive to school with only one person, not two.
And on the way there, I'll be able to listen to my music. I will like that, but I do like what we listen to now. And I'll miss you singing it and banging on your steering wheel every morning.
There will be 4 people at dinner instead of 5.
I always say to people that I'm so lucky because I have two of my best friends at home who I can talk to about anything and everything.
...I'll still have 2, but only one at home.
I won't have as big of a wardrobe anymore.

Boy, will I miss you.

The little things. I'll miss the little things most of all.

I'll miss you going around the house singing whatever is in your head.
I'll miss you always getting us to school at the exact same time every morning whether we say we need to get there early or not. I'll miss the fact that you say its not your fault every time.
I'll miss seeing you walk through the house in the morning just to go wash your hair.
I'll miss you and your crazy moods at dinner where you have all of us doubled over in laughter.
I'll miss you watching movies "all by yourself." Because thats the way you like them.
I'll miss going to Nashua with you.
I'll miss driving with you a whole lot.
I'll miss listening to Michael Buble with you. ("Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away...")
I'll miss going down to the cape with you, although we don't do that a lot, I absolutely love it when we do.
I'll miss going to the beach with you. And getting ice cream on the way home.
I'll miss arguing with you about the stupidest little things. We both know that we do it only because we are so alike.
I'll miss you asking me if your hair really does look alright in the morning. Please, just believe me... it always does. No joke.
I'll miss the times that you randomly pull into the Dunkin' Donuts drive thru and ask me what I want. Thank you.
I'll miss the time that you sat there playing Playstation with underwear on your head. I'll always remember that one.
I'll miss you correcting me on my singing. Although I may roll my eyes when you say it, I really do appreciate it.



You have the most incredible voice I have ever heard.
... and I'm truly flattered to be your sister.

You'll leave, and I'll be okay.

It's not like you won't be back. :)


But when you're gone...




I sure will miss you.

I'm afraid.

Afraid of what you'll say.
Afraid of what I'll find out.
I've never been this afraid for you before. Never in my entire life.
And I have known you for my entire life.
My whole life.

The more I think about it, the more worried I become.
Any normal person would just tell me to stop thinking about it then.
But you see... that is just not possible right now.
You mean so much to me.
More then you even know.
So much more then I show.
Of course, I'm not saying I will loose you by any means.
I do thank God everyday that I have you.
And I do think about you all the time... more now then ever.
But I'm scared.

I know you.
Better then anyone does....
Better then I even know myself maybe.
And you know me... definintely better then I know myself.
But you know what? I love that.
I love the fact that you know me so well.
If I'm ever confused about anything , and as you know... I am quite frequently, you are always there to help me figure things out or to give me a slap in the face and bring me back to reality.
I count on you for that now.
And you've never let me down.
I can count on you.
And, well, I do.

And no matter what, I know that you will always be there, and I know that I will always count on you.

But I'm still scared.
I'm still worried.

Hell, I'm terrified.

Now, I know that I'm blowing this completely out of proportion. Don't worry, I know.
But for now, you should know what I feel about everything.
I obviously think I know what "it" is.
But I'm probably dead wrong.
Maybe not.
We'll see.
For now, I just want you to know that I love you so very much.




...and I'll talk to you this weekend.




*For anyone else reading this, don't worry about me. I'm perfectly fine. I'm afraid for someone else. Fear is not a big deal. Fear is beatable. It's not me you need to worry about. Just leave it alone.*

well....

i'm not alone tonight.

... and it's nice to have people that care about you.

Thanks guys, I really do appreciate it.

It's not the fact that i am alone. I have plenty of wonderful people surrounding me. Plenty of people to hug, and talk to, and spend time with.

No... its not that i am alone.

But i am oh so lonely.

My arm is cold from the crisp breeze. You aren't here to keep me warm. Your touch, the simple brushing of our arms; it is missing. And although my hand is empty and limp...
I keep walking.
The sky is an endless gray, full of sorrow and pain. You are not here to take my clouds away. I feel the stabs of sharp wind on my face. It cuts straight into the depths of my soul. For you-- you are my warmth, and I am cold.
But I keep walking.
I hear only one set of footprints, but this is not unusual because we used to walk in unison. Step by step. Only this time i could not hear you breathing. Those steady breaths that told me that I was alive. But its too late to turn back now.
So I keep walking.
I continue walking though not going anywhere. You are gone. I have nowhere to run. But I remember the days when you would tell me that you loved me. And i would fall asleep in your arms listening to the soft beating of your heart. And those days were what I lived for. So now... what is my point of living? There are so many questions i need to ask yet so few answers i will receive. But for now...
I just keep walking.