Life is crazy. Really.
I have stopped to think about it many times in the past 2 weeks. Since I started to fall harder when I clearly shouldn't have.
Where are we going? What's the point?
Seriously... I don't understand.
Why not say everything you want to say? What are you afraid of? What have you got to lose?
Don't lie to yourself and don't lie to anyone else. Why would you?
I am thoroughly confused.
I want to talk to an old friend. One of the best, but I can't get a hold of him. It scares me. I miss him more than I miss anyone else, I think. I can't forget. I try, but I can't.
I love him. I do. forever.
What do I do?
WhatdoIdo?WhatdoIdo?WhatdoIdo? What am I doing?
God, I am so confused.
I think part of the confusions stems from the movie that I just watched. Robin says that it goes against everything that we believe about love, and she's right... it does.
But now I find myself sitting here alone, wanting nothing more than to fall in love with someone right now. Forever.
I dont know who. I don't know how old he is or what his past was like. But I know that I want him. I want to tell him everything. I don't want to hide anything. I want to be more comfortable with him than I am with anyone else. We don't have to see each other very often. I want something to look forward to all the time. Look forward to love.
But we have to be true. About everything.
Trust is key. That's the hard part. I'm guarded. I'm smart and I've learned the hard way.
I fall ridiculously easily. I like the thought of it. I try to rush my life, but it won't let me. I'm grateful for that. and then I try again.
I like the feeling of being wanted and that is where I screw myself over. time and time again.
What are we doing here?
Going through the motions. People make a difference, but for what?
I want to fall in love and be happy. Living with someone. Growing with someone. Learning with someone.
Comfort.
Children.

I want it all.
I am so confused.

Fall is my favorite by far. The leaves are turning and the air is getting crisp.
I love this feeling. I'm so happy for no reason.

Yesterday I went to the beach with the volleyball team and I had SO much fun. What a wonderful idea.
I realized that if I was able to go to the beach and play volleyball everyday, I think I would be about 15% happier on average. Seriously. A great group of people playing volleyball at the beach. I just don't think it gets much better than that. And it was a perfect day for it. It was chilly, but warm enough to play in shorts and a T-shirt with no shoes. ...even though it was "mean" sand. ;) ...and Mary couldn't stay on her feet. haha



I love this team and I love this season. I love fall and pretty songs and rosy cheeks.
No sadness anymore. No confusion.
Happy thoughts with happy people.
Lovelovelovelovelovelove from the constant people in my life.

God, I feel so good.

It's a strange feeling to have to end something that never began.

Yesterday afternoon I fell asleep in my bed curled up in the fetal position, feeling like I didn't even know who I was. I felt dirty and contagious. My mind was racing and I couldn't make it stop.
Finally I slept, but woke up to my alarm 25 minutes later feeling confused and disoriented. I think I just had a bad dream. But I hadn't been asleep for long enough to dream, so that "bad dream" was reality. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep so that what felt like bad dreams, really were.
I didn't know how to hide what I was feeling. I was crawling out of my skin with no one to talk to about it.

"Everything is okay.

I don’t want to talk about it, but everything
is okay."

That was the only explanation I could come up with.
I felt so exposed. Like everyone was automatically going to know exactly what was going on in my thoughts.
I tried to get my head in the game and eventually did. As soon as that game ended though, it was like waking up again-- back to reality.
"I wish that game lasted forever."-- That way, I wouldn't have to deal with anything except who to set the ball to and when to tip. I'm good at that. I'm no good at real life and bad decisions.

Be careful-- life is a crazy thing and no matter how angry you want to be, sometimes there is just no one to blame.

I miss you...

May 3, 2004

"Come fly with me" and pineapple-mango scent mixed with Summer Wind makes me reminisce about her…our being alone together ((its an oxymoron)) while we scream loud harmonies out of our windows and toward the sun that sprinkles down from the sky and into the car, filling the unique, yet small gap between our blond, gnarly, windblown hair and the pollinated, ash-colored dashboard.



...I would really love to live with you again.

A Beautiful Mess
You've got the best of both worlds. You're the kind of [girl] who can take down a [man] and lift him back up again. You are strong but you're needy... humble but you're greedy, and based on your body language and shouted cursive I've been reading. Your style is quite selective, though your mind is rather reckless. Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is. And what a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses.
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write kind of turn themselves into knives. And don't mind my nerve. You could call it fiction, but I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear.
'Cause here we are... here we are.
Although you were biased, I love your advice. Your come backs, they're quick... and probably have to do with your insecurities. There's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words I'm paraphrasing. This relationship we're staging. And what a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses.
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say kind of turn themselves into blades. And kind and courteous is a life, I've heard, but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt. Oh dear.
'Cause here we are... here we are.
What a beautiful mess this is. It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.
Through timeless words and priceless pictures, we'll fly like birds out of this earth.

Times do turn and hearts disfigure, but that's no concern when we're wounded together.
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts, but it's nice today... the wait was so worth it.

~Jason Mraz.

It makes me sad to think that I may never see you again.
Maybe I'm wrong... or maybe I'm right, but what I'm wishing doesn't make sense.
I want to see you every day and every night and I want to be next to you every time I lay down to go to sleep.
I haven't heard your voice in three weeks. "Texting gets impersonal... it's like an under the table thing." "Having one close is better than having two in the bush."
"I expect something solid the next time I talk to you... choose him."

But you always want what you can't have, right? Right.
I want you and your maturity and your voice. your cute little accent.
I don't want to wonder what you're doing... I want to know.
I want to be a part of your life, but I don't think that I can be.
How though, do I keep you at a safe distance, but not lose you altogether?
I don't know if I can. I want to tell you that I want to let it fade.

But... I want to see you one last time, because I need closure.
If I don't see you again, I will think about your for the rest of my life. You'll be like that boy that I spent 4+ years of my thoughts on. He sneaks back into my heart every once in a while when I least expect it. I don't want you to be like that.
I need to kiss you goodbye one more time and know that I might never see you again, instead of the uncertainty and the "I'll call you later" that I got last time. I knew that I wouldn't see you for a while, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to say goodbye now either, but I need to be because I'm afraid that if I don't then I will be throwing away something good.

...something great, even.