"I miss my single."
"Yea? I'm sure there are a lot of things you miss about that place."

Believe it or not, she's right.
I never would have believed it if someone told me that a year ago. First semesters were always hard for me.
I'd miss it if I left? Definitely not.

But now I'm not there and I do miss it. A lot.

I miss my single. and the nightly company I had before I left. I miss people stopping in whenever they happened to be walking by. I miss living in the same building as all of my friends. I miss seeing everyone every day. I miss everyone living on the same schedule which was sent out in an e-mail the night before. I miss walking through the halls and saying "hi" to everyone I passed. I miss volleyball more than I can explain. I miss falling asleep to the fan every night. I miss watching thunderstorms out my window. I miss always having the window open. I miss the "mood lighting" I created with the lamp. I miss cuddling and burrowing. I really miss the snuggly conversations. I miss having someone to say goodnight to. I miss having my go-to girl right down the hall. I miss going to dinner with the same two people every night, but sitting with everyone else because that's what dinner is for. I miss going to dry dock and always looking forward to breakfast. I miss the stupid stuff like pointless trainings because everyone just laughed at them together. I miss everything having a place and always being in the right place. I miss not having to think about what to wear. I miss having a routine.

I really miss school. Almost everything about it.

But more than anything, I miss my friends.

I drove by exit 82A the other day and I cried. I couldn't help it. Everyone was there, and I was driving by. Nothing about that felt right. All I wanted to do was take the exit, go through the gates, get dropped off at the archways, make my way upstairs to the dayroom, sign in, and go to my room on third deck in the corner of slack alley. Then, I'd e-mail Hillary and tell her to come chat. And later that night, I would have someone to say goodnight to... just like before.

I miss it, and I hate the thought of being forgotten about.

I'm not sleeping because I can't. But I can't because I don't want to. Does that make sense?
Sleeping is wasted time. It is time that makes Thursday come faster.
I don't want Thursday to come faster because a part of me doesn't want it to come at all.
I don't think it has hit me yet. My room is half packed and my check-out sheet is half checked.
Somehow though, reality has not set in and I sit here with the door open and the lamp on pretending that in three nights from now, I will not be sitting at home.
There won't be week long periods where I will not see the people that I have grown up with in the last two years. I won't miss any parties or conversations. I won't miss out on any inside jokes or funny things. Like when Paul fell off the Colgate ((and the pier)) or when Hillary peed on the limo.
I won't be left out or forgotten about.
...because that would be sad.
And right now, I don't want to be sad. I just want to sit here with the door open and the lamp on, pretending that change is not right around the corner evesdropping on my solemn thoughts.

I'm willingly welcoming change into my life very soon. Willingly, but not without apprehension.

I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose how close we have all gotten. It's been over two years for most of us and I'd say we've been through a lot together.

I'm just taking a short leave. That's all it is... I'll be back. But I can't fight the fact that I'm afraid of being left out and forgotten about.

This past weekend was one of the best that I've had in a while. Let's do it again. I know that school starts soon and everyone will be busy again, but let's not forget how to forget about all the stress for a little while. We're still young. Really young. Let's take advantage of that!

I'll come to your games and you can come to my house. A night or a weekend every once in a while won't do any harm. In fact, it might be good for you.

I love talking to you. All of you.

I felt like me this weekend. If you know me, then you know what I mean. I was comfortable again... finally. It felt right. Amongst all the craziness, I felt good again. Really good. and happy. I was happy like before. Not exactly like before, because a few people necessary to make it perfect were missing, but it was close. Closer than it's been in a long time. I love that. I can't even begin to explain how much I love that.

I'm hopeful again!

Let's keep this good thing going.