I know that when you look at me,
There's so much that you just don't see.
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find...
A girl who's scared sometimes,
Who isn't always strong.
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone.

I wanna run to you...
Won't you hold me in your arms,
And keep me safe from harm.
I wanna run to you,
But if I come to you
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away?

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control,
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me.
What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share them with...
Tell me, what does it mean??

I need you here...
I need you here to wipe away my tears,
To kiss away my fears.
If you only knew how much...
I wanna run to you.

Will you stay?

...or will you run away?




*Don't run from this... please, don't run from me.*

Let it be perfect.

Let us talk forever in the silence of love.

Let us write all the details as to not forget.

Let us laugh together.
Let's not cry.

Let us enjoy the breeze on that lovely summer day.

Let us swim in the most exotic place in the whole world.

Let us listen to our children so consumed by their innocence.

Let us wonder.
Let's not worry.

Let us frolick in the wildflowers.

Let us hold hands and stroll down the cobblestone streets.

Let us fly to a far away land with princes and knights in shining armor.

Let us meet a friendly stranger.

Let us feel the sun on our backs with no clouds in sight.

Let us walk along the ocean shore and gaze out over the water.

Let us be happy.


Let us live...



Let us love.



*Let it be perfect*

Another little thing I realized a moment ago... (because it really is the little things make a world of difference)
It's not really significant, but true nonetheless.

I only drink tea when you make it for me.



*Good thing I haven't gotten used to that.*

That had never happened before last night.

I kept my cool and he got mad.




*I tried so hard not to cry.*

You say that you worry...
In your eyes, I'll fail.
But I live my own life
not trapped in your jail.

I know what I'm doing.
I've known from the start.
But you tell me I'm too young,
I'll hurt when we part.

There are times that I wonder
what you truly think of me.
Just trust me on this one,
and let me be free.

You have been hurt in your life,
but mine's not the same.
I know I won't fall victim
to that terrible game.

So I don't want your opinion,
Please leave me alone.
'Cause I've already decided
to deal on my own.




*I'll be okay.*

I was going to erase that last blogger completely.
But I decided not to, because that is truly how I felt at the time.

There are some things in there that I probably shouldn't have said, but I'm not even going to change anything.

That's how things were then...
... they were pretty bad, huh?

There are some things that just aren't worth "toying with."

I think we both know that now.


So, that's over.
Done, end of story, period, next topic.




*Only five more months, Chris. Let's make them the best.*

I've had enough.


Enough of you...
You and your lies...
And your uncaring faces...
And your fake smiles...
And your "tainted" view of me...
And your broken promises...


I'm so sick of you.


To tell you the truth, I don't care anymore.

You've gone too far this time.
It will no longer be as easy as it was before.

I mean, sure... things will hopefully get back to normal eventually.
Obviously, someday things will be good again... but it's going to take time.

A lot of time.


And I don't think you understand how hard this is for me.
Actually, I know that you don't understand.
Because, quite frankly, you don't understand me anymore.

You should have known.

I don't know when or how it happened, but I feel like almost everything we ever had is gone.

How can you let it be like this?
How can you not care enough to even notice?

I wish it could just go back to how it used to be.
When things worked.
When we worked perfectly.

Back to the times when people would say that they were jealous of us for that amazing connection we had.

Hell, I would have been jealous too.


We were different before, and now I think we're just like everyone else.
Maybe worse.

I'm not sure if there is anything that can be done about it right now though, because things can not go back to how they used to be.
Not yet, anyway.

I thought I could trust you.
I thought that no matter what happened, we would always have that trust.

I guess I was wrong.
That's too bad, though.
It's really too bad.
Trust is such a delicate thing... I thought you of all people understood that.
It's just a matter of earning it back now, I guess.

I don't know what's going to happen with you and I for the time being.
Don't expect much though, because bluntly, you will get nothing from me.
Not for a long, long time.

I will still talk to you, but I won't tell you anything.
At all.
Don't even bother asking anymore.
There's really no point.


I know that it will be hard, and I don't know if I'm ready for this "lack of you" yet.

I guess we'll see.
I wouldn't even be surprised if you didn't notice the change.
You know, you haven't noticed much lately.
You're just too caught up in your own little world to worry about anything else now, huh?

Well, that's fine.

Like I said, I just don't care anymore.

I still care about you, and I do still love you.
But don't expect me to say it. Because I won't...
Not yet.


I'm through with it all.





*I've had enough.*

I don't cry.

Simple as that.


Therefore, I can't cry over you.
Which means that I can't say anything.

The risk is too much and I'm a loser.

I can't even bear the thought of anything changing between us.

That can't be good.

I know it's so wrong, but it feels so right.
So right.

Sometimes I'll have everything worked out perfectly in my head... word for word what I'm going to say.
Thinking that I can do it, and everything will be alright in time.
All I need is time...

But then I see you.

And suddenly I'm convinced that what's going on isn't so bad.
And that it really doesn't need to stop.

I go back and forth about that so much.

I don't know how wrong it is... or if it is even wrong at all.

But I know how it feels to me. And I don't want to loose that feeling.

I love it.
It's so good.


And what if loosing that means loosing part or all of you.
That is what I truly can not handle.
Because I can't loose you...
I love you.


So I just don’t know what to do.

I know what I should do, and I know what I can do.
But I also know what I can’t do…





*And I just can’t cry.*

We just drove.

Drove around campus and checked everything out.

All I could think was that this is where you're going to spend the next 4 years of your life.

I made sure to pay attention to my surroundings and how to get there on the way down, because I know that soon that trip will be all too familiar to me.

I had a lump in my throat as we drove back to the hotel.
I kept my eyes closed and my music loud to keep myself from crying.
I don't really know why either.
I think it's because I knew that in only six months, we would be making this exact same trip... only for a different reason.

That thought still kills me. I may not show it as much anymore, but the fact remains...

I don't want you to go.




So, I guess that's that.
Not the greatest weekend, but perhaps it will make it easier in the long run.
I sure hope so.


Because I'm not ready yet.
I know I'm not.




*I just don't want you to go.*

Well... you said my name and managed to make my night.







*Thanks.*

I looked over and saw something...

For some reason it made me mad, so I moved it.

Maybe I shouldn't have.

I don't know.







*Why, though, can't shoes be comforting?*