...an unforgettable night.

Funny how it was one of the most normal nights that I've had in a while.
It all felt so right. So normal.

From our outfits, to our hats, to our music, to what we ate.
It was so us.

Although before last night, we had never danced around the living room while the music was blasting, and we had never both had wicked hott hats on, and we had never been amused by a small cat toy for about 45 minutes, it was just like it used to be.

Like it will never go back to.

But last night everything was perfect.
Normal. Right.

It all just worked.




And nothing was about to ruin that.

"I was just calling to say that I love you. I was driving along and I thought to myself, 'I'm going to call Heather to tell her how much I love her.' So there you go, I love you."

Thank you, Daddy. I love you too.

It was a call that doesn't happen very often. You know, one of those rare phone calls that you will remember forever.

Yah well... it was one of those.

First we got breakfast and ate it together at the counter; then he had to go to work. He asked me if I wanted to go with him, but today I was really just in the mood to stay home and take a shower and just listen to some music by myself. So I told him that I was going to do just that. That I would see him when he got home. I could tell that he wanted me to go with him. But if I had gone, I wouldnt have gotten the phone call; so I believe its better that I didn't go. He left and told me that he'd be back later and that, as always, I could give him a call if I needed anything. So he was gone and I put on some music and just sat on the couch. Doing nothing but listening to music and enjoying my time alone. That's when the phone rang.
I hate it when the phone rings when I'm home alone because, frankly, I hate answering the phone. But I did.
And I'm glad I did.

Because its not everyday that you get a phone call like that.

I HATE this.

Will you just tell me.

Bluntly, please.

Thats what I need right now.

I dont need you to sugar coat the truth or to say one thing and act completely different.

Just stay the same, will you?

You are so god damn confusing and its starting to get to me.

You are like two COMPLETELY different people, and I can't stand it.

Now, don't change for me. Thats not what I'm asking.
Its not like you would anyway.

What am I saying? You changing for someone else?? Yah, that'll be the day.






You know what... forget it.




I'm sick of you.


*Now I may sound bitter, or just plain mean. But I had to say it somehow. I'm sorry if you dont like it. But if it bothers you, then its probably not about you, so there's no need to worry about it anyway. :)*

I would go weak in the knees if someone kissed the inside of my thumb.
You know, the part opposite of my fingernail.


...absolutely weak in the knees.

Its such a simple, unthought of place on the oh-so-intricate, complicated body of the human being.

Then again, its always the simple, unthought of things in life that make a world of difference, right?

Right.

So, if you ever want to make me go weak in the knees, and possibly jump your bones at that very instance, be sure to kiss the inside of my thumb.





Because its just that simple.

Please stop playing these brutal games with my heart,
I'm delicate and I simply can't take it.
I feel my heart breaking inside,
And it hurts more than you know.
My bleeding heart is dripping with tears of scarlet hope,
And it's killing me softly.
I can't stop thinking about you and your unheard of cruelty,
Yet I still want you more than anyone could ever imagine.
But this feeling is not my imagination,
It's nothing but reality.
My pain seems endless,
I just can't deal with it all.
Please forgive my sinful thoughts,
Although you deserve to hear every one of them.
I long for you and it's tearing me apart.
I would wait for you forever,
But with every breath I take,
I'm slowly dieing.

Aw man.

I feel like a hypocrit.

Yes, me. The same person who's biggest pet peeve is when someone is hypocritical.

I just don't know.

I'm confused. UGH! still confused.

I feel like I'm going against so many things that I've always thought. Just things that I knew were right. The right thing to do.

And its not like its even a big deal...
... at all.

What the hell?

I dont know what I think.

Whatever happens, happens.

and its going to happen...
... and I'm going to like it. :)




Of course I'll like it.

I've been wondering lately.
Before I was too afraid, but now I have to ask...

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see a baby who thinks she is so much older then she really is? You know, I have grown up fast.

Do you see that little girl, so young and confused. "She's just lost," you may say, "She'll find herself soon, I know she will."

Do you see a rebel? Someone who has to argue or object. I just can't agree or follow the normal path, can I?

Maybe, just MAYBE you see that girl that you want to see. "She's perfect... only a little different, but that's okay. She does what we want, what we've always wanted. Trust?" you ask, "not an issue. We trust her in everything she does."

... Ha, who am I kidding.

Or lastly, do you see a teenage girl who knows who she is? She knows what she wants, and she doesn't care what people think. A girl who is happy with her life even when you, being on the outside looking in, don't understand some of it.

Well, I am that girl.
I finally figured out what I want. I know my friends, my grades, my music, my thoughts. Finally it all makes sense.

You don't like it, but you don't have to like it.
You disagree with most of it, and that's okay with me.
... But did I disappoint you?
Did you have high hopes for me?
... are they gone?
Do you wish I was something different?
... something better, perhaps?

Well I'm sorry to tell you, but this is what you get.
This is who I am.

No one; not you, or them, or anyone can change that.
...No one but me.

I'm not scared anymore.
I'm not afraid of what you'll do, say, or even what you'll think.
I still wonder, but I think that I always will.

Now, you don't have to trust me.
You don't have to like my friends.
You don't have to admit that I'm not like you wanted.
You don't have to let me be independent... Sure, tell me what to do.
You don't have to listen to me.
You don't have to help me.
You don't have to agree with me.
You don't even have to like me.

But this is me.



... and all I ask is that you love me.

That wonderful woman who I had just met this year, yet come to know pretty well, was standing at the front of the room almost saying goodbye to everyone.
Now, most of us will be back next year, but the end of every season is the always the end of something.

We would never again have that same team, or those same five seniors that were leaving, to play with.

So she was standing at the front of the room complimenting each of us personally, or telling a short story about us through the season.

Now Coach moved on to present the next person with their award.
"...She aquired this nickname very early in the season and it just kind of stuck all year....

... but I dont think she minds that too much."

She went on to say more, but I was confused.
For all of the other ones, after the first five words out of her mouth I knew exactly who she was talking about.
But a nickname?
Who on the team has a nickname?
Especially one that stuck...

Finally she said my name.
"Little Watka"
OF COURSE! I have a nickname.
I got that nickname on day one of try-outs.
Little Watka... that's me.
Funny how there are really two "little Watkas," but from this team... this year... the name has become mine.
And Coach was right. I dont mind it at all.
In fact, I kind of like it.
Alright fine, I'm rather proud of it.
I was even going to write it on my sweatshirt...
...AND its my screen name.

So, I guess I'm just trying to say, since it was pointed out to me, that I'm proud of my name. And my family... my sisters.




...and, well, it sure is nice to have them around.

Oh my god... I havent laughed this hard since I was a little boy. :)

...And we wonder about penis' and make up names for eachothers heads according to hair color.

...And she says things like "Fuvcker" and bluntly states the fact that she has "rabies" and she can give birth to babies through her bum.

...Late night trips to the store.

...Being attacked by rather scary boys.

...Only one word needed here... "labelmaker."


...She frogets a lot.

And mis-spells shut... saying "shit" and the outcome being "mouth shit."

...We're all ready to fall asleep watching TV at the end of the night, and she suggests playing a game.



... and this is why I love them.

Why didn't you tell me?

Truthfully, its worse when I hear it from someone else... plus the fact that you specifically said that I couldn't know.

Why?

I had been wondering, you know...

...But I convinced myself that I was wrong because you, I thought, would tell me if it was true.

Well now I know that it is.


I trust you with everything.
Anything and everything I would want to tell anyone, I tell you.

There are many things that you don't know, but you see, no one knows them.

I thought you trusted me... maybe I was wrong.
That hurts, though.

...I wouldn't be mad. You should know that, too.
You think I didn't notice?

You change, you know...
...and I notice it.

Of course I notice.

I know you... well.
Whether you like it or not; whether you will admit it, or you won't.

I know you.

Yet, I still love you.



Do what you want... you could tell me or not tell me...
Its fine.



Just know that I know now.


And please, just be careful...








...for me.

I Love You.

I think that this blogger is my little place to be over-dramatic...

to tell you the truth i'm not quite sure why people read it...

Everything in it is true, but a little "over-played" i think.

Oh well!

On to more drama....

I couldn't stop thinking about it all day today... which was weird... but the more I thought about it, the worse I felt.

So now it's the end of the day and I feel horrible.

I feel like shit... I'm just a big shit.

And I can't take anything back now.

All I can do is say that I'm sorry... and I am.

People have done that to you before, and even though I'm going to stick to my argument that I didn't do it... I do understand how it may have seemed like I did.

Even though we both have our conflicting arguments, and I do think that I'm right in some ways, almost everything that you said made sense...

So, because I dont know what else to do, I wrote this to tell you that I'm sorry, and I love you.

By now you should have somehow realized what you've got to do...

I was talking to an old, but still great friend of mine today.

I haven't seen him in over a year and a half.

I miss him.

I miss them all.

I have to admit though, I did miss them a lot more before...

I missed them so much... I used to say that no one understood how much I missed them... and I'm going to stick with that.

I dont think anyone, except maybe two people, really knew what i was going through.

Crying myself to sleep night after night.

It got old.

It took me two years to really get over it.

TWO YEARS!!

I'm not saying that i cried myself to sleep for two years straight, dont get me wrong.

But it was a while.

And now i'm just trying to say that i still miss them... and I truly cant wait to go back...

But I am finally happy here.