It is true.
And I did.
But I am still the person that you know in your mind I am.
I would and did think of it.
But I am very much still me.
And I don't mind at all if you love me.

There is nothing more to tell.


*Can we still be friends?*

You said that your love would never crumble. And that you finally found the heaven you were looking for. The girl in your dreams was in reach at last, and you couldn't stand the suspense. But the chase is half the fun, right? The game show just makes everything more interesting.
This is high school; drama is a must.

We used to talk a lot.
Conversations about life and love and destiny.
Conversations about me.
You would shower me in compliments and I would blush and give you a simple "thank you."
We would stay up late online telling each other random things that the other didn't know about ourselves.
It was fun; we were friends. Good friends.

I could talk to you about anything and I knew that you truly cared.
I really did appreciate our friendship more than you probably even realized.

We used to fight sometimes, but it was all in good fun.
One of us would over-react and the other would say calm down.
It always ended with apologies and kind words.

You said some of the nicest things that anyone has ever said to me. I would go to bed with a smile on my face knowing that you were probably thinking about me, but I was ashamed because I simply could not return the feelings. There were so many times when I wished that I could have felt the same, but I couldn't. So instead, I promised myself that we would remain great friends. Because it's not everyday that someone like you comes along.

You made me smile so many times that it never even crossed my mind that you would ever say anything to hurt me. I think you even told me that once... That you hoped to never cause me pain. And I probably assured you that you wouldn't because I'm not easily hurt. Which is true; I'm not.
And I was completely and utterly convinced that you would never say anything that would make me cry because I hardly ever cry.

But then last night rolled around.

We talked online as usual and you told me about your new dog that you had told me about three times before. But I just laughed because you're funny.

And then our conversation took a turn for the worse. I managed to keep my cool and just keep asking you to tell me what I wanted to know before I told you what you thought you already knew.
I thought I was being fair-- like an exchange. You tell me and then I'll explain. But you obviously didn't agree with that idea.

You yelled.

Not only did you yell, but you swore... at me.
You had done that once before and when you did, I got mad and you told me that you wouldn't do it again.
Apparently you forgot.

Now, not only did you yell and swear last night, but you also said something so incredibly painful. I don't think you even realized how sharp those words were and how deep they would cut. If you did realize that, then I know you wouldn't have said it because you just aren't that harsh.
I know you better then that.

But these four words were cold. Harsh words that cut straight to my heart.

You said those four words and left, leaving me with nothing.

I knew you wouldn't be back anytime soon, so I picked up the phone book. There was a list of about nine people with your last name.
"This could take a while," I thought to myself, but I was prepared to call each and every one of those numbers to reach you.
Mind you, I never call people and I'm not a very big fan of the phone.

So, I looked through the names and tried to figure out which might be your parents names.
I took a shot in the dark and reached a light. To my surprise, the first number I called was your house.
Apparently you were busy, so I left a message for you to call me back.

You never did.

About five minutes after I got off the phone, my mom called. She must have sensed something in my voice because she asked me what was wrong. Tears filled my eyes and I didn't know what to say. All I came up with was, "Nothing, I'm fine." and I wiped the tears away telling myself that I was being dumb.
I never cry... well, almost never.

But you managed to make it happen.
Congratulations. I bet you didn't know that you were going to achieve that much last night, huh? Well, you did.



So... maybe I'm not worth it.
Whatever the "it" may be that you were referring to.

But for now, I just want you to know that words hurt.



*And I guess I'll just talk to you whenever the next time is that we happen to talk.*

I love him and I missed him more then I thought I did.

It was really nice to see him and I'm glad that he's coming home soon. Hopefully it's as soon as we think.

It was also nice to hear her talk about me.
About how I'm her other daughter and how I read the little notes that she leaves and do the chores because she knows that the other two won't do them.
And how she can't wait until I "move in." That makes me feel good every time I hear her say it because I love the fact that she remembers and she's the one to bring it up.

They all care. I know that. And I care so much in return.

I hadn't seen him that happy in a long time, which makes me smile even more.



*Families are wonderful... I love both of mine so very much.*

"Now and then I like to feel good."


Don't be ashamed...


Thanks.

*I love you guys.*

Another wonderful evening in the city with my ladies.


The way she danced made me wish that I could make my body move like that.

His voice echoed through the theater and is still ringing in my ears.

That man's voice was filled with so much soul and emotion that I got goosebumps and a lump in my throat.

There are common angels all over. You just have to know what to look for.

I found myself strangely attracted to a man standing at the end of the line. The way he held himself and and the way he moved and the way he sang made me want to melt in his arms.
And then I realized that I would truly just like to melt in anyone's arms right now.

The city was so inviting that I wanted to stay forever. Only three more years and then I get four years to be a permanent part of that wonderful, but oh-so different world. I'm ready now... I can't wait.



I thought a lot tonight, and I decided that I'm going to be patient. I'll wait for things that I know will come eventually. There is no need to rush anything; I'm young.



"There's only us,
There's only this.
Forget regret,
Or life is yours to miss."



*Tonight was wonderful.*

Happy Birthday, my lovely.


I hope you had a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day.




*I love you so much.* :)

...and all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to me.

:-/

The question remains...



*What happened to me?*

"...then maybe theres sumthin there."


Yeah... maybe.




*But I can't and I won't wait forever.*

Heh.

Well, that was fun.

"This is our little secret."
It's been a while since we've had one of those.

Maybe we can do that again sometime.
But not soon!

Heh.


*I love you.*

I'm sorry... I didn't want to tell you, and maybe I shouldn't have.

I also promised... maybe I shouldn't have done that either.

You're the only person that I would have been able to promise and even think that I could possibly keep the promise.

I don't want to let you down.



*I want to be done.*

My confused little heart is beginning to wonder if this uncertainty will ever end.

It's been a year now... (A year and 5 days to be exact)
A year with not much more than confusion.

I thought it was all over... a few times.

But then there you are. I see you through the fire and the smoke, and I begin to fall once again.

I no longer get the butterflies of a new crush.
There's no rush of adrenaline and nervousness when I pass you in the hall.
My stomache doesn't do flip-flops every time I hear your name.

But that's alright because now it's comfortable. You see, you aren't a new crush anymore.
You know me now... you know me well, and I know you.
We've become best friends with everything that's happened... we're comfortable together.
You're comfortable.

Your hugs feel right.
And your voice makes me feel safe.

I know you're there. And sometimes that's all I need to know.

I thought I finally knew it all... but I'm confused again.



*...confused again after all this time.*

Comfort me.

Come sit with me and we can watch a movie.

We'll pretend that it's not too late. Your parents won't get mad.

Try to forget that she's waiting for you by the phone.
Because she will understand... trust me.

Comfort me.

If you're cold, I will get you a blanket. Will you share it with me?

We don't need to talk. You don't even have to watch the movie if you don't want to.
We may sit in silence. I'll listen to you breathe and in turn, you can know that I'm alive.

Comfort me.

I will look at you and then look to the spot on the couch next to me. You know what I mean.

Will you hold my hand? I'll let you...
We will be alright.

It's all okay now.



*Please just comfort me.*

I'll always be here to talk.
I don't care if you live around here anymore or not. (although you claim that you always will.)

You may show up at my door whenever you need to...
and if I am home, I will drop anything for you.
If I'm not home... wait for me.
I will always come back evenutally. ;)


You will never be alone.
You do have love... although not the kind you want.
Try to be happy with what you have now until you find exactly what you are looking for.
But be patient... it will show up someday.

Just know that I'm here.
Always know that.

You don't have to be lost any longer, lovely.



*You may send your distress beacon directly to me.*

I need candles.




*I don't know purity anymore.*