There is no such thing as consistancy or stopping time. and one will never agree with another on everything. and some people do fall out of love, but some stay in it forever.
I envy people who claim to be truly happy because I'm afraid that I'll never know what I want.
I'm afraid of a lot of things, yet people still turn to me in their stress and unhappiness because I am the most constant aspect of their life. Change is everywhere, but lonliness is always avoidable. I'm afraid of the decisions that I have to make very soon and I am afraid of disappointing the most important people in my life. And people say that I need to do what I want, but I am afraid because I genuinely have no idea what I want. And I am horribly afraid of making the wrong decision and being unhappy. I am afraid of losing things and people very close to me based on that decision, but I know it will happen. I am afraid of leaving my mom alone because she and I have gotten very accustomed to eachother's company. I'm afraid of Dad feeling like he is alone in this new decision of his because our schedules often conflict and I can't see him half as much as I would like to. I'm afraid of not seeing D-Dad as much as I should because you never know when it's going to be too late. I'm afraid of already losing precious time with Mimi because I never really appreciated her as much as I should have. I'm afraid of not being "all that I can be" because I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of settling, but I'm also afraid of passing up promising opportunities because I'm so determined not to settle.
There is so much on my mind right now because I'm anticipating things that I shouldn't even begin to think about. Not yet, anyway. But that's how I've always been. I dread what I know is going to happen until it happens and then I can finally get over it. I don't dwell on things of the past, I dwell on the future. and right now, the future is a lingering glass bubble and I'm the one who has to pop it and see where the pieces fall.

Here's to hoping for the best.

I love Christina. mybeeb
I love Lauren. mylooloo

I miss driving with them; me in the passengers seat... right there in the passengers seat. I get so overwhelmed sometimes... JUST COME HOME. heh... no, I'm not selfish. ;) I just like to get what I want.

Remember when we used to talk every night when I got home?
Remember when we used to sit on my bed and tell ourselves to remember that moment forever because it was just so perfect?
Remember when you used to make us all breakfast?
Remember when we used to get all bundled up and take the convertible for a late autumn ride with hot coffee?
Remember when you were... oh wait, you ARE the only one I cry to?
Remember when we used to sit in front of the fire long into the wintry night and talk about everything?
Remember when you would be a part of those talks until you, everytime without fail, fell asleep on the couch?
Remember when you used to drive us to school every morning and make us late? ;)
Remember when you used to help me study ALL the time?
Remember when you used to sleep right under me?
Remember when we used to go hang out with OUR friends together just because we get along that well?
Remember those weekends when we all would hang out with your guys and order pizza and just laugh?
Remember how much we used to laugh together?
Remember those nights when we would all go into the city and see a show?
Remember how much fun we used to have?


Do you remember that?
Yea, I remember too.

I love you so much and I can't wait to see you. All the time... I want to see you all the time.

INFINITY.
Ugga bugga buggga lugga shnugga blahgaa blaggah boo..... I LOVE YOU SO MUCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I said that I wanted you to be my December. I would be patient and I would wait during the months leading up to your wintery arrival. The leaves all fell and the ground started to lose it's give. The winds began to blow... swirling up the fallen colors, and I knew that these were the winds of change. They had to be. Patience, I told myself... He's coming. The snow came and the air turned sharp. I continued waiting... Every night, alone in my room at the window watching the season intensify around me. The coldest of them all. The best time to share warmth. to share love.
Alone again at Christmastime.

Snow turned to rain and the ground thawed. Be my March? Flowers bloomed and birds started to sing again. I sing, too. Lilacs are my favorite and I picked some for myself. The rains continued... hard this year. So much rain, like it would never stop. That's how I started to feel, too. ...like it would never stop. No relief. not anymore. And nothing to end the monotiny of a lack of something.
Something was just missing.

I started to give up and decided that I was now willing to compromise. Be my July? No... not anymore; I'm through with that. A summer love, that's all I want. Leave me when the leaves turn; I've mended a broken heart before. That was basically the worst decision thus far. We all know how that turned out. Never again. That was the end... I'm done, now. Giving up, completely. I didn't deserve that.
How could you?

But I'm over that now, too. You live and you learn, right? Well, I'm not THAT foolish, and I learned so much more than I was ready for.
So that was that... no more for me, don't even try because I've made my decision.

And then the leaves began to fall again.
...something happened that I had not planned for at all and again, I was probably not ready for.
But even though I was bitter and I was hurt and I was angry; I kept an open mind. What can I say, I appreciate opportunity.
You showed up. Walked slowly into my life with your unreadable face and dark, solemn thoughts. You hurt, too and I knew that right away. But I was intrigued. Somehow, I forgot about my pain and my heartbreak, and I just wanted to make it all okay for you. I wanted to take all of your pain away. I knew you had an incredible smile, and I wanted to make you show it.
Smile, boy... I am going to fall in love with you.

...and I did. and I am. and for now, I'm planning on staying this way for quite some time.

You can do what you want in November, but if it's okay with you, I think I'm going to stick around for a while.

I just love you, thats all... more than I ever thought I would.
You are my inspiration. You've got my heart.