I should have listened to my instincts. That's what mom always says. She's right... and I should, too.

I should have known from the beginning. Then, after that,  it couldn't have been more clear. and I still didn't listen.

And now I feel this pit in my stomach every time I think about it. because something that was bound to happen eventually happened.

Life really is crazy.

I've decided to play the waiting game. The game that I thought I was playing for the past year, but have recently come to realize I wasn't playing at all.

Now I am because I deserve the best and I am willing to wait.

And maybe if nothing comes along, going to South Africa will be that much easier.

Because everything happens for a reason.

Everything is falling apart. This is a disaster... everything is falling apart. Don't be like that, you're ruining it! You're ruining us. You can't take her with you and leave me with no one.

Everything is falling apart and it's all your fault.

I get disappointed and a little angry when you talk about unhappy you are. I don't regret anything, but wish I did things differently in some situations. Most of the time, movies make me sad. I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was in high school. I would prefer to go on a vacation with my family rather than my friends. I'm afraid to fall in love. I have very unrealistic expectations for my life. Although I know they're unrealistic, I still hope they come true. Sometimes my dreams really scare me and make me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I want to teach people. Fall is my favorite season, but it makes me very sad. I hate being rushed. I'm no good at communicating. The other day, I bought the prettiest dress ever. It (and my mom) is motivating me to get through the next week. I hate school. I wish life was easier. I never want to live far away from my sisters. Sometimes I wonder what other people think about me. I try not to focus on it, though. I used to be extremely jealous of my sister. Now, we get along so well because we're different. I feel guilty. I don't think I'm any good at relationships. I wish I had told you how I felt when you felt the same. Now, I think you're going to leave and never know. I want another tattoo. My dad is and always has been my hero, despite his flaws. I can't wait to live on my own, but I'm afraid that I'm going to be lonely. My biggest fear is forgetting. I hate being lied to. I really can't stand drama. I used to want to get pregnant because I thought it would make life easier. I understand how ridiculous that is. I miss my old house. I really don't like someone who I call one of my "best friends." I don't think I could live without all of my best friends from home. A few nights ago, I slept in a t-shirt and shorts, with a sweatshirt and sweatpants over them. To me, that just reitterates the fact that I'm not who I used to be. I'm jealous of the people who are leaving, but I feel like they are giving up. I think my priorities are skewed. I'm proud of myself. I get along better with guys than girls. I get along much better with people who are older than me. I think I grew up too fast. I don't regret anything that I did in high school. If I went back, I would do it all the same.

I have no secrets-- nothing that no one else know.

I write when I procrastinate. I write when I'm too tired to do anything else. I write when I'm lonely. I write when I'm ready to give up and quit. I write when I miss you. I write when I hate you. I never hate you. I write for me. I write when there is no one around to listen. There is no one around to listen. I write when I feel. Right now I feel.
I always feel.
I think I feel most right before I go to sleep. That's when I want to run, and that's when I want to write. I haven't run in days. I haven't written in days either.
I should be writing a paper, but it's not the same.
I would love to be watching and episode of Grey's Anatomy right now, but then this hour of free time would be wasted. If I write, at least I have something to show for it... right?
Sometimes logic is twisted.
My logic is twisted when I say that I will end it in April. That's not right.
But it is right because that is what's going to happen. I wish I could end it now to save the heartache later.
But sometimes logic is twisted.

I joked today about leaving here to ease your trouble and your pain. I wish I could do that. If money didn't exist, I would be there in a heart beat. When I joked about it, one of my friends said "You would love that."
She's right... I would probably be happy then.
I've learned to appreciate things so much by being here. Everything happens for a reason.
I hope this is right. I'm hoping, so I'm writing.
You can't lose hope. If hope is gone, what are you left with?

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. I'm also going to get my hair cut... brighter.
Lately, I have no one to think about. It's strange because when I have no one to think about, I think about 6 different people. I wish that none of you were on my mind because:
1) It's not fair to you... I was on your mind for far too long. It's just comforting. I want you in my life for a long time.
2) You're leaving. A little piece of my heart went with you in May. I only say that because I cried when you left and I don't cry.
3) You're no good for me. It ends in April.
4) I loved you for too long. I'm afraid that I still do and always will. It's not healthy to have you on my mind... ever. It's been 6 years.
5) I have fun with you. I don't want to be anything but friends right now though and I'm afraid that if I think about you too much, I'll give in to you.
6) I could see myself marrying you. I know that's ridiculous. Some people think that you would be scary to marry, just because you yell when you're mad. I am so attracted to you.

But really, no one is on my mind. I haven't been this "alone" since... wow... exactly this time last year. And then in January, one ended for good and the other began. Time repeats itself? I hope not. I want something constant. I miss having a "you." A real you. I miss loving someone. and being loved. It's time to end everything petty. Just wait for something real. The next one is the one. I decided that when my heart was "broken" by a boy who lied. It's okay, it didn't hurt as bad as it had before... I never really loved him anyway. But I made the decision then because no one likes to feel so betrayed.

I've been writing for twenty minutes, which is twenty minutes that I haven't been writing my paper, and twenty minutes that will come back to bite me in the ass when I want to go to bed tonight... twenty minutes later.

I don't want to work on a boat. The ocean terrifies me. It's beautiful, but terrifying.
Appreciate beauty. Some claim that imperfection is beauty. It's written on her foot.
My foot reassures me that I can do it. Just believe. Believe in yourself and if that doesn't work, believe that someone is watching over you. Just believe in something. You have to have something.
"Keep faith... whatever that may mean to you." Because without faith, what is left?

I'm buying Christmas presents because that makes me happy. I love Christmas and I love giving. Loo says that that is how I show people that I love them... that and touch. I think that's what she said. Either way, both are true.
I can't wait until my life works out. I know that it is going to, I just don't know when.
I'm hoping. and feeling. and believing that it's going to happen soon. But not too soon. We don't want to rush anything.

Smile.