It is starting to get colder out. I can already feel the change in my mood and my interactions with people. Fall is such a strange time of year for me. I know I'm not the only one though because Christina feels it, too.

I love fall more than any other season (I think) but it has always been ((not really always, just since high school)) a bittersweet time for me. It makes me happy-- I love the changing leaves and the crisp air and the drives on back roads with coffee-- but it also makes me sad.

I miss driving around in sweatshirts with Robin, Taylor, and Sciac with hot choffee and soft music playing loudly. I miss singing harmonies with Christina out of the convertible and into the clear, starry night sky.

Fall without a car to drive the Hollis loop in is not the same. Fall without the time to appreciate the leaves and take pictures with Christina is not as good. Fall without Lauren (who claimed for the longest time that she didn't like coffee) and a hot cup of coffee and the BEST conversations is not as fulfilling. Fall without the comfort and familiarity of coming home to a set table and a hot dinner with four to seven (depending on how many of my friends were joining) of my favorite people in the world is not nearly as happy.

And then comes winter. Lately, winter no longer means lazy days and curling up by the wood stove and making cookies with Lauren and walking in the snow with Cooper.

...In sets the nostalgia.

With winter comes ice and too many thoughts and far too much cynicism. I am not a cynic. In fact, I am looking forward to the first snow because I think that that is one of the most beautiful things that ever occurs in nature. But after that, it gets brown and ugly. And it stays around for longer than anyone wants it.

I am very affected by the people around me, which is why I surround myself with happy people, but I think that on some level, everyone is affected by winter. People, by nature, thrive off of the sun. In winter, we starve.

This all probably stems from my dislike of change. And the fact that I really miss my friends from high school. Some people say that you don't know what you had until it is gone, but for us, that could not have been further from the truth.

I loved my life and my friends in high school. We knew how good we had it. We used to always talk about how we knew that we were living through "the good old days" when we were in them. We loved each other, we took care of each other, and we had SO much fun with each other. We could have grown old together-- all of us as a group-- and been completely happy.

I'm sure of it.

...and I hate the sound that goodbyes make.

Hey, what have you been thinking about lately?

Lots of things.
I've been thinking about school and wondering how going back can seem so exciting one day and so completely dreadful the next.
Kathy and I talked for a long time today about how proud she is of me for really defining myself and knowing who I am. She said that she is constantly impressed by how I live my life how I want and I don't let anyone's skepticism or negativity alter my decisions. She said she can tell that I know myself so well and it is so amazing for her to be able to watch all of the great things I have done despite the concern and criticism from some of the most important people in my life. That makes me feel great because for a long time I didn't know who I was or where I belonged. Now I know. I am confident in the life and the friends that I have chosen for myself.
I've been thinking about how much I love taking care of three beautiful 19 month olds who absolutely adore me.
CrossFit is on my mind probably more than anything else these days. I can't wait to work full time coaching at a CrossFit... and maybe (hopefully!) open my own one day!
I think about Cooper a lot, mostly at night, and I miss him like crazy.
I wonder where my life will take me. Will I love the Coast Guard and stay in for longer than my obligated 5 years? Or will I get out after 5 and open my own gym like I want to right now? Where will that be? The options are endless which is the coolest thing ever.
I know that I have the potential to go to the Games someday and I can not wait until I have the time to really focus my energy on that and make my dream a reality.
I think about South Africa a lot. I wonder how Nondumiso is and I wish that she was sleeping in the twin bed across the hall from me. Their country is bustling with foreigners, many who probably have a LOT of money, and I bet their life is completely untouched and unchanged by the World Cup fever.
I can't wait to start a family. I know that I'm still young, but I also know that I could do it. That thought makes me wonder when I will meet my one and only, and if we've already met, when we will realize that we are meant to be together forever.
I think my body is finally starting to listen to my mind... two months later than expected, but that's okay. I am starting to feel good again. That's important.
I really want to start a CrossFit club at school. I want support and not too much resistance because I know that this is what I love to do. I want to spread it to as many people as I can.
I have goals. I know that I can reach them. By July 26th I will squat 200+ pounds, I will press 100+ pounds, I will be able to max PFE push ups and sit ups, and I WILL do a muscle up.
Practice makes perfect.

Life throws you curve balls sometimes, but you have to remember to keep your head in the game and come out swinging all the time.
Things are okay right now. Things will continue to be okay no matter how many curve balls I encounter... because I said so.

And my life is up to me.

Lately I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I made the conscious decision to get left behind.

Oh, boy.

What a fantastic weekend.

It is hard to go from a weekend that wonderful to a laid back Sunday night at home with mom and dad. I should be unpacking the boxes in my room so that I can bring up my Christmas presents.
And then I should start to pack for Africa. I leave in 9 days. Holy shit.

I don't want to work tomorrow. I want to go to Pepperell to be with Taylor and Robin. They would make me feel better.

I've got a lot to think about. I should just stop thinking about it because I am leaving soon, so it won't really matter in a little bit anyway. Not until I get back anyway.
Last night could have been a tell tale sign. one way or the other. But last night was not a tell tale anything. Last night was like walking on a tight rope. You either make it to the end or you fall off in the middle.
Well, I'm still balancing in the middle of the rope.
It's a nice rope though, I suppose. Maybe it is only fair... given the fact that I think it took me too long to step off onto the rope at the beginning.

Everything happens for a reason and it will all work out how it is supposed to in the end.

...right?

I don't know. I'm sleepy.

Tonight is kind of a sad night. I don't know why. I am thinking a lot. That could be why.

Inevitably, I am thinking about change. and it scares me. and it makes me sad.

No specific change really; just the change that has been, the change that is, and the change that will be.
Not all change is sad though, I understand that.

Christina moved out a long time ago, but I still miss her when I don't see her.
I live with Lauren again which is so nice, but something about the way she said, "I'm glad you're home, Feath" tonight made me feel funny.

I saw a lot of my friends on Monday which was refreshing to say the least, but I ended most encounters with "I'll see you soon."
9 months is not soon. So I lied.

I can not wait to go to Africa, but I need to just go so that I can stop thinking about it.
People keep asking to see me before I leave. I would rather go without saying goodbye because it is not like I won't be back. I never was very good at goodbyes anyway.

I also need to remove myself from a situation that I have removed myself from before. How I got back into it is beyond me. I just care, that's all.

I want a specific change in one situation, but I don't know how to make it. Change is not always sad, but never easy.

Right now, there is a lot going on in my lonely room full of boxes of old photographs and memories.

And tonight I am going to try to sleep without the fan on. I think this is a good night for it because a little extra change is welcome when I am already swimming in it.

I'm going because I love people.
I'm going because I want to learn about different places. I want to understand other cultures. I want be to a part of something completely unlike anything I am used to and know that I am better for it.
I'm going because I want to change a life. or two. or three. If I have the potential to do that, why would I waste it?
I'm going because I know that now is the right time. I am so young, yet so able.
I'm going because I have never settled for the easy route. Ever.
I'm going because I am confident in the life that I have created for myself at home. Four and a half months will not change the friendships I have made. Four and a half months will not change my family. I may or may not be falling for someone who I am pretty sure is something great, but if it is meant to be, four and a half months will not change that either. Four and a half months will not change anything, really. I will come back stronger; both mentally and physically. But my heart will be softer. More caring, more understanding, more giving. More of everything this world needs right now.
I want to be something great. But I don't know how to BE something great, so instead I will DO something great.
I've never "just known" anything. I think about everything too much to be that confident. But I think this is the closest I have ever been to "just know"ing. I know that I have wanted to do something like this for as long as I can remember. I know that I am doing this for all the right reasons. I know that no one can talk me out of something that I feel is right. I know that I am going to impact someone's life in the best way possible. I know that I am meant to do this.
I don't necessarily know how I know because at this point in my life, I'm not even sure what I believe. Although, I do know that I believe in myself. I believe that the dialogue between my head and my heart may be foggy and broken and full of miscommunications at times, but right now the conversation is clear. And it has been clear for far too long to be ignored or brushed aside.

"Go." it says, "Make memories. Live. Love. Change lives."

Everything that lies ahead of me is filled with good vibes and positive energy.

I just know it.

That damn, adorable face of yours gets me every time.